Fill me with hope

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Today is one of those days. Stop reading now if you don’t want the transparent part of this blog.  Turn back now Will Robertson!  The humanness is oozing out here. I have my days all figured out how I want them to go. I get up in the morning in peace. Send my daughter off to school feeling loved and encouraged.  Text my husband all through the morning reminding him of my love. I spend quiet time with the Lord, getting filled up and ready to conquer my day. I read a little, write some notes and then make a few business calls. Everyone I talk to jumps on board and wants to be involved in my business or becomes a great customer in love with my products as much as I love them. Then I fix my parents breakfast and help them get dressed all with a sweet attitude, doing everything they need with a huge amount of patience. While they eat I clean their room and then settle them back down as they enjoy watching their TV programs. Then I clean house and get more business done filling the house with joy and peace. My husband and daughter come home I am dressed looking gorgeous, my husband takes me in his arms and tells me how much he loves and appreciates me. The day continues this way until I get everyone to bed feeling loved and cared for. But in reality I woke up annoyed. I didn’t have 2 minutes to spend in quiet time with the Lord.  I am not sure if my daughter left the house feeling loved because I fussed at her.  Everyone wanted or needed something. Not fun stuff either. I won’t talk about all the different things I had to clean up. My husband text me saying he wanted to quit his job. I wanted to quit mine.  I felt like a failure at everything. A failure at being a wife, a mom, a caregiver, a sister, a friend, a daughter, a business woman, nothing was right. I didn’t want to serve anymore I was tired of it. Then I felt guilty for feeling that way. I have friends and family who have lost someone recently and they would love to have one more day of serving.  What is wrong with me?   I finally got a moment to myself and I just sat down and cried.  Why don’t I have it all together? Why can’t I be perfect?  Why can’t my life be like so and so?

Yesterday my niece, who takes my daughter to school, text me a scripture that her car load was learning. I wrote it down and I thought about it all day. I made a pretty picture with the scripture on it and posted it to instagram.   It meant so much. But today I barely could remember it. So I pulled my note out and I read it again.

Romans 15:13 (NIV)  “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust Him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit”.

It doesn’t say when you do everything perfect and have a great day you will be full of hope. It doesn’t say sit down with Jesus for a hour then and only then  you will be full of joy, peace and hope.  We need quiet time with the Lord because the Word says “they that wait upon the Lord.will renew their strength. But there are days when we don’t get to wait physically on the Lord. We are running from the time our feet hit the ground.  So can we wait on Him without physically sitting or kneeling down?  Thankfully yes. I read that scripture again and again and my spirit got quiet.  I thought about it as I went about the day and my understanding of it became fuller.    As I trust in Him, not in myself to become peaceful, because I don’t got it.  It says He will fill me with peace and joy as I trust Him. It doesn’t say He will change the situation or my life but it does say He will give me hope and, here is the light bulb moment, it is by His power. So when I am at my end and frustrated I am to trust Him. Sometimes you feel like you can’t even trust so you tell Him that and by His power He helps you trust.  Then He fills you with peace, joy and hope. It’s amazing to me how everything centers around Him. It’s not if I do it good enough or trust enough, it just all goes back to being about Him.

So here I sit writing this. Nothing has changed except my heart is full of hope, peace and joy. My circumstance is still the same. I have a load of dishes to do, I haven’t been able to take a shower, I need to check on my parents, I haven’t been able to do my business like I want to, but I am at peace. My trust is in God not that I will do good enough, be good enough or handle everything right. My trust is in Him and He fills me and because He said so, the hope will overflow. So instead of my humanness and frustration oozing hopefully His hope will ooze.

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